A dog’s life?

Years ago, I was the proud owner of a Golden Retriever.  One day I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

 A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t, and I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.  I told her no; it was because I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

 I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack  he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. 

Now that it’s getting warmer…

After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to spring and BBQ season.  Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it’s the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine:

1.  The woman buys the food.

2.  The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3.  The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4.  THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine:

5.  The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6.  The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.  He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7.  THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine:

8.  The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, = sauces and brings them to the table.

9.  After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10.  Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11.  The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!

Man’s Answers To Every Question A Woman Ever Asks

  * Why are men such jerks?

It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior.    We’re just misunderstood.

  * Why do men always have to ogle other women?

  Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.

  I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

  * Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

  We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.   It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

  * Why do men always say such stupid things?

  We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

  * Why are men so uncommunicative?

  You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

  * Why can’t men just share their feelings?

  Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no
idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

  * Why can’t men cuddle more?

  Please… How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

  * How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

  Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

  * Why can’t men just say, "I LOVE YOU?"

  Men are taught from a tender young age to be self sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

  * Why do men say, "I LOVE YOU," when they hardly know me?

  Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

  * Why doesn’t my partner ever answer me?

  We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

  addendum:  Sometimes a simple nod of the head *IS* an answer, too!!

  * Why won’t men ever pick up after themselves?

  Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know damn well you’ll pick it up.

  * What’s with all the belching and farting?

  This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

  * Why do men hate shopping?

  It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err…… buying?

The hoarth whithperer

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"

That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.

"A female hoarth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin hoarth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him
 under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him to the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing."Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit.?"

What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.  I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

 

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn’t care. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired.
It’s important at my age.

Too punny

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital and he enters a ward full of patients with no obvious signs of injury or illness.

He greets the first patient and the patient replies,

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftan o the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
Weel worthy are you o a grace
As langs my airm."

Tony, being somewhat confused, just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him.  The patient replies,

"Some hae meat and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the lord be thankit."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant,

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty
O what a panics in thy breastie
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

The last patient seems to be a winter sportsman:

When Winter muffles up his cloak,
And binds the mire like a rock;
When to the loughs the curlers flock,
Wi’ gleesome speed,
Wha will they station at the cock,
Tam Samson’s dead?

Alarmed, Tony turns to the doctor who is accompanying him and asks, "What kind of unit is this, a psychiatric ward?"

"No", replies the doctor,

 

 

 

…….WAIT FOR IT …..

 

"This is the Serious Burns Unit"

12 Days of Christmas – Part 5

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Ave.                         

Beaver Valley, CO

                                            

Dec. 18, 1986

Dearest John,

     What a surprise!  The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings"; one for every finger.  You’re just impossible, but I love it.  Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

                                             All my love,

                                             Agnes

How to have a Politically Correct Holiday Party

Subject: The Office Party
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t Be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

                                 
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

Happy now?

                                 
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
                                 
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – the days are so short this time of year – or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything? 
                                  
 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
 DATE: December 8
 RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???
                                  
 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
 Date: December 9
 RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?
                                 
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now!
                                 
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward Your cards to her at the sanatorium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

We hope that this change does not offend anyone.

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Eddie.

Dear Eddie,
What — and ruin that hot affair your dad’s still having with the babysitter? He’s banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Lego instead.
Santa.

 

—

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLY

 

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

 

— 

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

 

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa

 

—

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

 

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you’re gay.
Santa

 

—

 

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

 

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

 

—

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

 

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

 

—

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE, could! I! have one?
Timmy

 

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa

 

—

Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

 

A Cat’s Favourite Christmas Carols

This one goes out to LoC’s kitties.

 

 

 

10. Up on the Mousetop 
  9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas 
  8. Joy to the Curled 
  7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus 
  6. The First Meow 
  5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful 
  4. Silent Mice 
  3. Fluffy, the Snowman 
  2. Jingle Balls 
  1. Wreck the Halls! 

 

 

 

 

For the upcoming American Turkey day..

I give you this…

 

http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=382219626&m=1652

A thank you note from a disgruntled email user.

 

A NOTE OF THANKS

 

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

 

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

 

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.  I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the
hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all – but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

 

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

 

<got this in email this morning from a buddy of mine out in Winterpeg!>

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women.

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after it finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get the epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How’s my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. You can’t believe they don’t make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats’ facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Now that I’ve finished my last driving lesson..

I can start more actively searching for a vehicle that I’ll want to buy once I pass the Road Test (Nov. 9th for anyone keeping track, and please on that day, keep you fingers, arms, toes, legs and any other appendages crossed for me).  In other news I’m going for a job interview next Tuesday, in Montreal.  So you can cross all the above mentioned appendages for that as well!

 

So in my search of vehicles, I came across this:

 

What a Car Really Says About Its Owner

Acura Integra- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend- I’m too bland for German cars
Acura NSX- I am impotent
Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people
Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people’s reactions when I tell them I have a ‘Vette
Chevrolet Corvette- I’m in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart-I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ford Escort – I’m a red-headed nanny
Ford Fairmont- (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm- I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda del Sol- I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord- I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45- I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse-I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6-I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia- I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.
Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis- (See above)
Mercedes 500SL- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda Miata- I do not fear being decapitated by an 18- wheeler
MGB- I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante- I don’t know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX- I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass- I just stole this car and I’m going to make a….
Peugeot 505 Diesel- I am on the EPA’s Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon- I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM- I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 944- I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2- (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy- I have always wanted a Japanese car even more
Toyota Camry- I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet- I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus- I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife

 

Oh man…

Make sure you pee before you click here.

 

*Note: there is no video, just audio so make sure it’s turned up!